Wally West hasn't been the same since a fateful accident made him a super hero many years ago. There aren't many who've shared the spotlight with the man popularly known to millions as "The Flash". He's enjoyed, fame, success, his share of women, and even a race with Superman. He can run so fast he can actually step into the slipstream of the time/space continuum (whatever that means), but someone, quite recently, hit his radar.
"I was running around Beijing you know, seeing the sights, eating real chinese food, and reading this great new James Patterson novel--all at once of course. " Wally West said to a MadSickCrazy reporter recently.
"Then I heard all this commotion from my radioset, and sure enough, some guy named Usain Bolt broke the world record."
At this point West laughed out loud, his barrel chest wiggling with an energy that could fry the average town.
"... they said HE was the fastest man alive! I couldnt' believe it."
West begins to make the distinction between the "fastest man alive" and the "fastest man ever."
"When Usain Bolt can step into the slipstream, he can talk to me." West says.
He turns, and in the blink of an eye he is gone. The slightest blur, a streak that seems like ribbons falling slowly to ground, is the only thing you can see. Somewhere, rolling thunder echoes. Quiet falls on everything, then another roll of thunder, and a red blur appears, materializing into Wally West.
"And what's this hubub about him being called "Lightning Bolt"?"
Wally's face contorts into a tight knot. The flash is pissed.
"Hell, I made the lightning bolt popular! Who the fuck does this Usain bolt think he is! Ever hear the phrase "fast like lightning? That's me! I created that. You think 9.69 seconds is fast? Try running thousands of miles and hour in a special pressurized suit to save the world! Take that Mr. Bolt!"
When questioned about about the use of the popular Jamaican food, Yellow Yam to enhance bolts speed, West had one reply:
"Bun Yellow Yam!"
West dissappears again in a blur and the familiar sound of thunder echoes through the sky. Then, he reappears.
"Okay guys, sorry about that. I get carried away sometimes. My moods swing as fast as my dick does when I'm running naked! Hah Haaaa!"
Someone falls to the floor at starts choking. It appears he was hit from behind by some unseen force.
"Sorry about that man! When you slap someone in the back at sub-light speed... well... You get the idea."
"So anyways, Bolt has potential. Let him make some money from this event, and get the girls and hell, he can even call himself lightning bolt for a little while. But there'll only be one Flash!"
The red blur dissappears again, and we realize that he's left too quickly for us to remind him about Flash Gordon. Oh well.
